that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
