everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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