You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
