Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
