I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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