I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My ATM looks so different sober.
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We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
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I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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