I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
