I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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