my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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