so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
