New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
