The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
