Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
