Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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