Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
