and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
