I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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