Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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