Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
