There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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