he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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