Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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