i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
