She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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