She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize