Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
