I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
