My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
