Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
