u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
