And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
