Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
