Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
