I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
