when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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