On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
