how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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