You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
