you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Randomize
