Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
