My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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