I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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