I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
