I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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