things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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