Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
