I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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