I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
