I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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