I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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