yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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