She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
