Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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