Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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