the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
