I puked a lego.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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