You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
My life is pants optional.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I forget how to act sober
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
