I got chris browned last night
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
