My liver just broke up with me...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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